


French Fries

by Eli0t



Series: Unofficial AO3 Circle Stories [13]
Category: Archive of Our Own, Original Work
Genre: Burger King - Freeform, Crimes & Criminals, F/M, Sentient Animals, Talking Animals, Zoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23505187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eli0t/pseuds/Eli0t
Summary: Prompt: The key to getting away with a crime involves a very big hippo.
Relationships: Brad the Seagull/Violet the Hippo
Series: Unofficial AO3 Circle Stories [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1650388
Kudos: 2
Collections: Unofficial AO3 Circle Stories





	French Fries

The key to getting away with a crime involves a very big hippo. But first, you have to get it out of the zoo. You must also be friendly with this hippo or it will end badly for you. That might be a easier task said than done. hippos need quite a bit of persuasion. They're very stubborn creatures. They will likely demand at least thirty percent of the reward. Fortunately for you, this hippo just had a lot of beer and is looking for a good friend in its loneliness.  
Unfortunately for you, drunk hippos are a bit difficult to move. But it's a well known fact food is very good at luring drunken hippos. This is, in fact, a good way of luring anything drunken in general. You question how on earth it got drunk at its size, then remember the elephants and decide to just move on to the next step.   
Jake and Mr. Guntherpants realized all these things in a matter of hours, as their ordinary morning led to a very chaotic day full of a big fat hippo, and getting away with murder. Little did they know that the pack of french fries in Jake's bag was what would start it all. Jake completely forgot about the pack - the grease was toppled over all on the bottom of his bag. So when the hippo tore completely through it, he was surprised. French fries are of course deeply coveted by all manner of creatures, including hippos and seagulls. But one pack of french fries would never be enough to satisfy a hippo. Jake toppled over from the hippo's weight, and before he knew it, he was half submerged in the enclosure's pond, fries soggy but in the hippo's mouth.  
"When did you get french fries?" Mr. Guntherpants had demanded of Jake, as the hippo snacked on the fries, rudely ignoring the predicament Jake was in.   
The hippo didn't pay attention to his words and devoured the fries ravenously.  
"Wait!" Jake sputtered desperately. "I've come to bargain!"  
It snorted derisively, pawing at his bag for more fries. But there were none left, and the hippo realized this qucikly, and set his evil eyes on Jake. To hippos, humans are nothing but food dispensers.  
Mr. Guntherpants glared at his watch impatiently -- they had crimes to commit, and he didn't have time for this tomfoolery.  
Just as Jake was about to sink below the hippo's foot, a seagull swooped down and pecked the hippo. The two creatures had a long standing feud that was based, of course, on french fries.  
The hippo let out an outraged roar and stood up on its hindquarters, accidentally toppling over on Jake in his battle with the seagull of the fries.  
"Where's my fucking cut, fatso?" The seagull demanded.  
Jake quickly scrambled out of the lake and stared helplessly at the strange scene before him. He could only hope they’d forgotten about him.  
"Look, mate," The hippo said in an Australian Accent, "they didnt even have ketchup on them."  
"Excuse me good sirs!" Mr. Guntherpants interjected.  
Jake glanced around nervously - if anyone caught them hanging out with the hippos, he was going to get chewed out by his supervisor.  
The seagull and the hippo turned their attention back to the ugly humans-- if they had eyebrows, they would be raised skyhigh. Up into space would be more accurate. You see, they hadn’t known humans were capable of speech.  
"I have a proposition for you!" Mr. Guntherpants continued. "Success would mean infinite french fries for you!"  
'If you have business with us, talk to our associate!' the seagull squawked haughtily. Despite being rivals, they shared a manager for their Evil Endeavors TM.  
"Shut up, Brad," The hippo hissed at the seagull, "they said infiite fucking french fries!"  
The seagull rolled its eyes. “Why should be believe them?” he asked.  
Indeed, Mr. Guntherpants's grand vision was this: conquest of the empire of McDonald's.  
"We Promise," Jake began, nervously, speaking loudly and slowly as he wasn't sure how the hell the animals could understand them. Mr. Guntherpants had roped in his grandson into this get rich quick scheme he read about on the internet, but Jake wasn't sure if the white-haired man even knew what McDonald's was.  
The seagull and hippo looked at each other, this proposition seemed a bit suspicious. But they were zoo animals so what the hell.  
'Go on,' the seagull squawked impatiently. He knew he could get revenge of the humans dared to double cross him.  
After a quick briefing of Mr. Guntherpants's plan, the four prepared to roll out.  
The zoo went on lockdown as the hippo began rolling all over the guests.  
'God, when is he ever sober?' whined the seagull. The seagull shook whatever head it seemed to have. "He does that quite often you see."  
For Jake, the dismay quickly turned into despair, while Mr. Guntherpants seized the moment to whoop in excitement. This was all in the plan, and the hippo would crush the zoo gates in its massive glory!  
"Move in now while everyone is looking at the fat drunk hippo," Mr. Guntherpants hissed to Jake.  
The two quickly darted out of the zoo and headed down the block. Next stop: the grand headquarters of the McDonald's!  
The problem was: Mr. Guntherpants had made a mistake and had the location of the Burger King headquarters instead. As he walked in, a staff member placed a paper crown on his head.  
"Whaaaa-" he said, stupidly, confusion written over his face.  
The employees looked at the duo in confusion, but greeted them. "Welcome, take your crown and help around."  
He had always imagined that, when he got a crown, it would be made of the finest gold. Not cheap paper. He took the paper crown off his head and threw it on the ground in furious dismay. "No, no, I am your new overlord!" Mr. Guntherpants cried.  
The employee looked on, unimpressed.  
Just then, there was a sickening crunch behind them.  
"Get me a proper crown! One with a big 'O' on it for overlord." he said, before turning to see what the crunch was about.  
The sickening crunch had come from the employee who just stood eating their food, bored and annoyed.  
The hippo crashed into the glass doors, and rolled the employee into the ground. The employee had problems with his teeth, and now all his bones, poor guy.  
"What are you doing here?!" Jake squeaked.  
The seagull flew in, eyes scanning the place for french fries.  
'Run, you idiot!' Mr. Guntherpants screamed before gunning it out the door.  
Jake wanted to follow, but the hippo was blocking his path.  
"You think we'd let you pety humans take the lead on this? You were never going to give us a single fry, were you?!" The Hippo snarled.  
Just then a sharp piece of glass stabbed the hippo's side, and he gasped dramatically, reaching out for the seagull.  
"You can have all the fries!" Mr. Guntherpants protested. "I just wanted the clowns, you fool!"  
"Violet!" The Seagull screeched, fluttering down to the ground to look at the wound on the hippo.  
'B-Brad... I'm.. so sorry...' the hippo wheezed.  
Jake stared at the scene, he just, he just wanted to help Mr.Guntherpants and now this?  
“No,” the seagull cried. “Don’t. I can get you the french fries you need.”  
"Let me help" Jake offered, surprising himself.  
At this point, all of the Burger King employees had fled except for one man on the second floor who was loudly calling the police.  
"I don't know much." Jake admitted, ignoring the chaos. "But I have basic first aid training." “But I’ve never tried it on a hippo.”  
"Please, do whatever you can to help my hippo," the seagull wept.  
Nodding, Jake rolled up his sleeves and got to work. It was a difficult process, but he believed he could save the hippo.  
"B-Brad it hurts," the hippo whimpered, as Jake worked.  
'It's gonna be ok, my sweet Violet,' the seagull murmured. They had known each other for so long, and even if they fought, they still were friends, at times, closer than that.  
But no matter how tightly Jake tried to staunch the bleeding with his torn clothing, the blood just kept pooling on the floor beneath them.  
The seagull was beginning to get agitated about Jake’s slow pace.  
"Am I... am I really going to make it?" The hippo said weakly. "I know I wasn't the best, but Brad, I-"  
In the distance, the trio could hear the sound of sirens growing closer.  
"Shh." Brad put a feather to the Hippo's lips, "dont talk like that."  
“But Brad,” the hippo said, “if my time is finished, I have something I need to tell you first.” 'You can have my collection of magazines, I hid them beneath my favorite rock. Also, I never blamed you for what happened to my sister.'  
Brad's heart jumped at the mention of Violet's sister. Lily had dreamed of becoming a singer, and Brad had been her number one supporter despite Violet's hesitation. No one had seen her since she set off to find fame ten years earlier. Brad always believed Violet hated him for encouraging her sister to seek fame.  
Tears rolling down his face, Brad begged, 'Don't talk like you're dying, please, you can't leave me like this!'  
As Violet's eyes tearfully looked at Brad, amid the pain and the growing weakness, the bird felt a shuddering hearbreak inside him.  
"I'll always be in your heart," Violet insisted. "but please if you ever see Lily, just... say I said hello?"  
Brad shook his head. Should he tell Violet that he’d known where Lily was all along? He knew he shouldn't, but this Vio's final wish.  
Just then a cop showed up, gun in the air, "Get away from the hippo, kid!" he yelled at Jake.  
"No, no!" Jake said. "Uh, this isn't what it looks like, officer, I swear!" Startled, Jake tripped in the pool of blood and landed hard on his butt.  
But the cop hadn’t seen the seagull perched on the hippo’s chest. It wasnt professional, but the cop couldnt help it: He laughed.  
Seeing his chance, the seagull flew straight at the cop's head.  
The poilce officer in shock, fell down from the attack. Though he would admit it to no one, he was terrified of seagulls. The cop jumped up but slipped on a stray french fry and landed face first in an open burger bun. And so, he was down, again.  
this caused the hippo, dying as she was, to laugh. Her laugh was beautiful; melodic.  
The sound stopped everyone in the room as they stared.  
With her last breath, she murmured, 'You always were such a joker, Brad.'  
Even the officer watched in amazement as the seagull began to cry.  
The seagull the laughed too, for what else could he do. "I know, Vio, I know." He said sadly.  
The scene in the front lobby of the Burger King headquarters would become memorialized in the front page news and local TV, but the day would forever be etched in Jake's mind for the rest of his life. Jake did, of course, lose his job at the zoo for not only stealing the animals, but also was charged with murdering Violet since the cop and Burger King workers all attested to her sentience.


End file.
